I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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