laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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