Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
this is an emotional support booty call
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
