he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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