yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
