i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
NoShamevember. You game?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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