i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
