Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
