The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
