I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
