the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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