ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
