one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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