i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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