hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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