im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
