sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
