I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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