Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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