It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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