You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
