I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The uberlube is also flammable
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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