I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
