I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
