it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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