Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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