Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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