i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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