He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
