I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
