I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
