Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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