I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He had one of those small greek statue penises
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
