i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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