I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
