well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
