Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
