I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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