i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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