i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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