Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
