We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
