Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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