I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
