I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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