do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
