I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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