im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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