oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
