i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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